cskitty22222's Xanga

nope, not enough stress. add some more.

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 02:22:19 GMT

How do I say no to something I've been asked to do without offending the person who asked?

And to complicate this even more-- what if the person is one of my advisors? And further still-- what if they're the one for whom I am currently supported?

amazement

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 15:09:27 GMT

i'm amazed by my roommate. she is constantly sympathetic and supportive and never seems to get upset at me over all the annoying things i do (or don't do). i wonder, where does she get this amazing sense of herself such that she is able to be so confident and so giving of herself to me and to others???

i hope that someday i will have that again. in the meantime, when everyone around me is seeing not me, but a shell that is in pieces and nothing but the worst is showing through the cracks, i am thankful that she is able to somehow see past it all.

i don't want to go to school today. i want to stay home and cry.

but i don't wanna be busy...

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 16:30:34 GMT

big project working on at work today, and then someone asked me to help with something else too... when it rains it pours...

i've spent an hour or more just getting the data in, and now i have to make some sense of it... and they even want something that looks nice. *sigh*...

and my advisor's back and wants to get together with me for some discussions, as she says. which is good, but i had to tell her that my schedule is so inconsistent lately... makes me wonder whether i really can do all the traveling that i plan to do and still finish the candidacy proposal and exams... and i don't know whether to feel guilty or not about it... should i feel guilty about not putting my schoolwork first in my life, or should I just be stubborn like I always am and think, my priorities are my priorities and they may be different from yours, or what you think mine should be, but that's not going to make me change them... ?

realization inspired by favorite companion/infusionism/flying pancakes

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 00:38:37 GMT

I had a moment of encouragement today when I was sitting on the top floor of the library trying to get work done... favorite companion said yesterday that I can't be a fake student if I have gotten this far, and I realized that if nothing else, I have certainly come a long way in my ability to read research papers... I remember my first couple of years and all the papers just seeming way over my head... now I skim them and they seem unimpressive... lol!

hopefully this transfers into ability to talk about research... candidacy exam minus 8 weeks and counting. (hopefully.)

hmm

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 16:30:24 GMT

I suppose I will have to create a candidacy presentation. maybe I could get motivated to do that. maybe.

oh goodness

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 14:50:14 GMT

thank God for vacation... i am so frustrated with my lack of productivity and motivation... maybe after spending a week completely away from it all i will be energized enough to be able to come back to it. (note i didn't say "want" to come back to it.) it seems like the vacation time came at exactly the right time last year, too... i remember not being so excited about it but it ended up being very good.

off to the mini-farmers market... with absolutely nothing to do at work, why stay here? i had a phone meeting this morning and that's it. oh wait, i forgot... i have to figure out how to set up vacation reply on my email. then i can leave.

o hai

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 15:43:58 GMT

haven't posted in a really long time... just kinda lost interest since no one really reads this anymore... also seriously haven't had any time at all in the past... oh, month or so.

now that all the moving stuff is over with for now, i'm slightly less stressed. if i can catch up on my work this weekend (the first weekend in recent memory when I've actually been at home and not running around the whole time) then i will be a lot less stressed. also, the candidacy application is continuing to move forward, with at least one false start so far... hopefully that is the only one.

i got called mature yesterday... that was nice

also, a lot of other things yesterday were also nice... particularly something that i was quite, quite, quite nervous about and turned out to be a very good and helpful experience... a bit personal to post in a blog but if you want to know, ask

and it's nice to have some more wedding/future stuff planned out... on the wedding front, in the past month or so i have bought shoes, ordered cake, reserved hotel rooms, picked out bridesmaid dresses with the girls, and Luke and I have worked on our gift registries... on other fronts, we have finally decided where we are going to be living after the wedding... after the honeymoon and a break for traveling and seeing friends and family over the holidays, we are moving to Illinois. Not so excited about moving all over again, but at least we will be able to do it together and all at once this time.

so.... about that catching up on work... should really really get to that. i spent the morning catching up with friends, which was nice, but i really have to get down to work...

unfortunately i have had awful neck/back/shoulder pain lately... that part is not nice at all and is quite distracting

for real this time...

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 03:17:39 GMT

packing
school project stuff
candidacy application
school paper stuff
moving
work
wedding planning
car stuff
misc. stuff

I was using a bunch of old junk mail to pack up dishes and discovered an oil change coupon that is still good.

I sold both my converter box and TV antenna on Amazon... I should have never bought them in the first place, as I didn't really use them, but at least they weren't a complete loss.

I got some free ice cream (and leftovers from a delicious Indian potluck) today

I love how my favorite companion loves me so much, even through status updates.

My bridesmaids actually managed to settle on one dress in what seemed like a record amount of time... that was cool and we had a lot of fun this weekend in general

Got to see some other people who I haven't seen in quite a long time as well.

I wish I would stop digging myself into all kinds of holes. I wish I cared enough to do what it takes to get myself out. I wish that the wedding date wasn't so freaking far away in the future. I always imagine that by that time, I won't be so stuck in this hole anymore, but I wonder if that's true. Because honestly, I'm just too tired to fight anymore, and I am not even halfway up this seemingly huge hill that I need to climb before that time. I am too tired and beaten up to even care anymore, and I am crying out for someone who could just understand that and somehow help me.

I wish I were happycat

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 00:49:45 GMT

Wow... I have been super depressed lately... especially today... but now that it's nighttime, I am not quite so stressed anymore and I am ready to get things done... like clean out the refrigerator (hahaha, this will be fun cause I've been putting it off for WAY too long...) and do more packing, and perhaps more wedding planning stuff...

now that it's time for me to be getting ready for bed instead of doing any of these things.

Even working on schoolwork doesn't seem nearly so intimidating at this time of night. I think I could actually do it! What on earth is wrong with me?!!??!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??!?!?!??! I am SO frustrated.... I am frustrated enough to want to switch my schedule back to a more nocturnal schedule, just because I NEED to get work done so I can get to candidacy this fall!!!! But I've already set my work schedule, and that means that at least on T,W,Th I need to get up "early" and be awake [enough to be at least semi-productive] during the day.

God, help me, because I don't have anything left within me to follow You.

extra short version

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 00:50:48 GMT

What??? I have a blog??? I've been so busy/stressed lately that I have nearly forgotten about it, much less had time to post in it!

Extra short version:
Trip to Wisconsin and party with the family: good
Going to the dentist 4 times in the last 2-3 weeks: bad
Starting to clean and pack for moving: busy
Schoolwork: almost nonexistent lately
Work: when it's not boring, it's busy. when it's not busy, it's boring
Favorite companion visiting:
God: amazing and wonderful and beyond words (and emoticons), but all too seldom remembered
Milk: If I don't go to the store right now, I won't have any for tomorrow morning